So much for lonely posts…
Reflecting the image on the outside…
Guide to fix what’s wrong in the reflection.
Minutes,…hours… this once excited journey is now filled with grief. This heart did not seek sympathy from anyone. This soul drifting in the realm of the unworthy longs nothing but peace. This deafening silence is screaming so hard that it redefines my inner identity.
Enjoyment is a temporary experience to hide/conceal the pains and sufferings i am harboring inside of me. The bittersalty tears of sorrows and low spirit demoralize me. When the issue of neglect in communicating shuns me from embracing peace and quietness, then i know something is wrong with me. When i crack a joke turned out to be an insult, then it backfires to me, sending awkward feeling of embarassment and guilt. When my maturity is being challenged with authority, then i will be intimidated. When all i am now is far from what i am showing to people, then i am deceiving myself. When i’m being pressured by needs and responsibilities, then i know i can’t afford to slow down. When my problems keep on accumulating, i am thinking of giving up. What’s the point of fighting? In the end i am an immatured, stupid guy sitting in the corner watching the clock turns the time into a brand new day. No identity, no consistency, no breakthrough!
I don’t want to flow in this river of life like the rest of the crowd. I desire to be so free of regrets and weights of this world. Life is sometimes inconsistent, as much as i am. Today i am so free, and a moment later, i am in bondage of this chains of immaturities and deceptions residing inside of me.
How will i face the world if i am engulfed with my own fears?
In this life, there is a time that you will be caught off-guarded. That’s what happened to me.
I thought i’d grown up.
We are in this world for but a glimpse. A spark of light in the blink of an eye. I’m not sure how i spent first few years of my life here, that uncertainties of whether you understand what i’m sayin’… Nevertheless, here i am in the midst of solitude and isolation. Ideas and realizations flow freely in this soul so lost in this crowd. When my very state of being defy even the hardest foundation of faith, when it’s not all about my faih, then my weaknesses are being exposed. Share of doubts clouding over me, bringinga sense of transparency, ripple effect is this feeling of comfort that i am not hiding in pretension. There’s no need for me to pretend that i am so strong yet i am weak in the inside. Don’t getme wrong, i am not in a self-destruct mode (uhm, sometimes), i am just being me, in this state of my being.
To whom am i laboring for? I will be here for about fifty years, perhaps sixty years… nowadays, reaching the age ofsixty cancer-free is considered a fruitful life. If i will be thinking of my career, then there are lots of rooms for regrets. Sometimes reaching achievements are easier said than done. After i reach the goal, what next? I don’t want to carry my trophies of pride in my whole life, inasmuch as i refused to be intimidated.
Time, such precious time. Not to mention the amount of time spent figuring out the best choice. Worse, whi.chever i choose, there’s a tradeoff. Why can’t everyone get their share? I mean pie for everybody! Why some people just can’t get enough?
Tomorrow, another day. Another day to waste, to be productive, to experience something new, not for others but for me.